When the partner is older

Those who love each other, love each other: A relationship with an age difference should not be a cause for excitement (symbol image).

Our author loves a significantly older man. For her, this doesn't matter, but for many others it apparently does. What's the point? The relationship column "Me. You. Him. Her. It."

I don't even want to make it exciting. My boyfriend is 19 years older than me. When we met in a bar four years ago, I was just in my early 20s. At the time, I never would have believed there could be a big age difference between us. Then, on our first date, he showed me a photo of himself as a teenager. "Fuck, that's from the eighties," I thought - and avoided the question of age as much as possible. When it came out a short time later, we didn't care. Because: it fit. Soon we moved in together.

At a welcome party for the neighbors, we were finally asked the inevitable question: "Tell me, how old are you?" "I'm 21," I said. Awaiting silence. "Turn 22 next month, though," I quickly followed. "And I turned 40 last year," my friend said with a nervous laugh. All conversation around the table fell silent. "Oh," finally chimed in. And the neighbor who had recovered the fastest, "Well, that doesn't have to mean anything." The others eagerly agreed: "Exactly, as long as you love each other." Many feel they have to comment on, even downplay, our age difference. Apparently, it is still considered abnormal for a younger woman to live with an older man. Abnormality demands an explanation - and is readily degraded to the stuff of jokes.

When we got together, I was in my third semester of college. "Does your new boyfriend have a child yet?" one of my fellow students asked me. "No," I answered simply. "Well, he has one now!" Roaring laughter filled the lecture hall. And there it was again: the urge to justify myself. "Honestly, you can't tell by looking at us," I put in. "He looks 10 years younger, really!"

Since then, I've often reacted that way when asked about our age difference. I had to realize that there is still a stigma attached to a relationship between a young woman and a significantly older man. My colleagues therefore also advised me to write this column under a pseudonym. It could damage one's career because an age difference is still tainted with prejudice, they said. These prejudices are manifold: There is talk of "sugar daddies," and often also of a "father complex or no strings attached. The woman does it for the money, the man because of the young body. Or because he himself is struggling with his first gray hairs. In short, the relationship is often assumed to be superficial, which in many cases is simply wrong.

Conversely, so if an older woman has a younger man, then this also provides for gossip, usually even much more. But it more often has a positive connotation - a relationship with a younger man is considered "modern". Famous examples are Brigitte and Emmanuel Macron, now also Heidi Klum and - one still hardly dares to write it - her 16 years younger fiancé Tom Kaulitz. The focus of attention is the strong woman, a matriarch even, who can still afford to have a younger man because of her beauty. The young man himself, at least in the reports, is hardly accused of having base motives for entering into the relationship. Why should he, since he is a man and therefore earns his own money?

Many imply that the desire for a significantly older or younger partner already guides the search for a partner. I believe, it is not so in most cases. On the contrary, in most cases a relationship has nothing at all to do with age. Rather, it happens because one has discovered a soul mate in the other person. From that moment on, the age difference plays a role for others at most - and has to serve when there are no other interesting topics for small talk.

Our thinking is still very conservative when it comes to relationships. That's why it's time to modernize the image of a relationship between young women and older men. We women today earn our own money, want to stand on our own two feet and be allowed to show strength - this works just as well with an older man as with a man of the same age or younger. And no woman should have to justify herself for that.